Nkosi On Wednesday

We don’t talk enough about how every aspect of our lives comes down to this pageantry of self-presentation in the hope of acceptance. We apply for jobs, we apply for school, we go on dates, we enter competitions, and all of it requires the dance.

You would not go to somebody’s house empty-handed. My mum was always very specific about this: when you visit someone, make sure you carry something to their house. Similarly, you can’t waltz into church, the house of God, theeee God, maker of heaven and earth, empty-handed then you kiki and leave.

I wish for both of us,the movement through life with such crystal clarity that we never hear ourselves say “well everyone is doing it” or “it has always been this way”. I wish both of us the intentionality that is excited by the word “why”, that we may view “why” as friend not foe, as curiosity not as challenge.

I don’t know if I could simultaneously be a mother and be a happy person. Important to highlight is that this is just me right now. My mind could change as it has a thousand times before. My maternal instincts could kick in tomorrow, and I may choose the potential joy of the unknown over the guaranteed comfort of the known.

It is important that you savour these fleeting seconds. Sure, they don’t mean much but there are simply moments that you do not get twice. Mothers get older and fathers die and puppies don’t stay puppies forever.

The reward of community then is that those boundaries shift. I do not like waiting, at all, but there are three, maybe four people in the world who know I will wait for them no matter what. I do not like hanging out in groups, but there are three, maybe four people that I could do a group hangout for. And during the time that I am waiting or during the time that my social anxiety is doing cartwheels during a group hangout, I am reminding myself that this is my contribution to community.