I haven’t seen a good horror film in a strong minute. They honestly don’t make them like they used to. Do you remember what it felt like in The Ring when that little girl crept out of the TV? Or how paranoid you got after Final Destination. Hello truckload of logs on the highway. Horrors were an actual horror once upon a time. And even then I knew, if horror ever befell me, I’d be the first to go and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t care if the monster is an angry ghost from the past, a serial killer, an aggrieved deity , name all of them- my fate is the same in every universe. Let me break down the ways in which I would be the first to drop.
Fat Black Girl from an Ethnic Minority, Are You Kidding?
Let’s get the elephant out of the room quickly. We’ve all watched horrors. We know the format, we know who goes first so that’s automatic entry right there. Now not only am I black. I am African, I am an ethnic minority, I am female and I am a little heavy. I am a walking inciting incident and a horror film opening act’s dream. I’m sure I would be gone in the first ten minutes.
Delulu
Between me and you, if they had consulted me, I’m certain UB40 would still be together. Of course that’s just my delusion talking and that lands the said delusion on number 2. I (wrongly so by the way) believe my charm and wit and general vibes could get me out of any situation. I really think that I could talk the killer or the force out of killing people. I would have obviously have stats to back it up and make a very compelling case. I also think at this point, the killer or the force or whoever would be enjoying my company so much that they would drop the killer mission and just go home and have a beer. Guys ngiyachaza mina! The down side of this while everyone is running for their life, I would probably get killed in the introduction of my case.
My Will to Live is Dramatically Overstated
Listen, life is great and I don’t take any of it granted. I love being alive. Given the choice between life and death, I would obviously choose life-but within reason. The fight for my life needs to make sense. Say I were in Independence Day or one of those “woe is us, the world is ending” horrors, you are getting zero effort from me. If the world is ending, where am I running to? What am I fighting to live for? What is the price here? I always imagine my reaction if I had been on the Titanic. (Y’know if they allowed black people on there). There is a scene where this old couple is napping in bed, just waiting for the ship to sink. Yup. I’d be right there with them.
Source: Country Living Magazine
Me? Running? Me?
Surviving a horror needs some level of running. A lot of it actually. And Dear Reader, the most loyal of you have known me since I was 20 years old. In the ten years that I have written to you, you know one thing; NKOSILESISA KWANELE NCUBE does not run. Come hell, come high water, I. AM. NOT. RUNNING! And that pretty much seals my fate.
Other Small But Notable Reasons
I would need to take a nap
I would roll my eyes at the killer
I would need to stop for a snack
Again I am not running
I’m a mouth breather, they would hear me
It’s a lot guys. How do you think you would fare in a horror film? Are you a fighter, a flighter, a freezer or an Eff it, whatever happens happens?
