When my sister tells me she is getting married, I take it upon myself to put the whole shebang together. It’s not something I would ordinarily do, but while my sister is the bride, she is also the little girl that got a baby sister at age 3 and had to learn responsibility before she even knew Stu wasn’t her real name. I can go to town about the million ways my very being inconvenienced her whole life. If for no other reason, then for that, I appoint myself wedding planner. It’s weeks of back and forth, agreements, disagreements, and stalemates… I at least suppose this is what they mean when they say inconvenience is the price of community…
In an interview two years ago, I was asked, “What’s one thing your friends would say about you?” And I answered as honestly as I could, “They’d agree that I show up. Always”. On good days, I show up with enthusiasm and a smile, and the right energy, and sometimes a bottle. But that’s the easy part; anyone can do that.
I mentioned the hard part too. The part where I show up uncertain and unwilling , and I show up uncomfortable, with a list of 101 reasons why not to. Let me land. This isn’t me saying I’m a selfless person lol. Please! I am probably the most selfish person I know. But above the need to serve self and preserve self is an almost clinical need to see my people happy. And sometimes that comes easily. But sometimes it comes at a cost. Sometimes the cost is missing the last ten minutes of my favourite show because my godson wants to play, and sometimes the cost is going to a basketball match one city away because overnight, Lindzy developed an interest in basketball.
We all take up inconveniences for the people we love. Most times, I am the convenience. My #bff drives twenty minutes from her home, is stopped by police over something silly, pays her fine and still makes it to my home. I don’t change my sheets and sleepover in my mum’s room; she has to take my snoring for the whole night, my #bff’s sister has to let me stay in her house for the hundredth night that month because its too late for me to drive home. See, this is the price of community, of belonging, of having people, of being a part of something. Should you choose to have community, you inevitably have to allow yourself to be inconvenienced incessantly by your chosen village.
We live in a world of boundaries and cut offs and very easily throwing around words like toxic and narcissist and while there are situations that call for these words, some situations are simply the requirements of community. I am not saying don’t have boundaries, I am saying there will always be people for whom those boundaries can be bent. The reward of community then is that those boundaries shift. I do not like waiting, at all, but there are three, maybe four people in the world who know I will wait for them no matter what. I do not like hanging out in groups, but there are three, maybe four people that I could do a group hangout for. And during the time that I am waiting or during the time that my social anxiety is doing cartwheels during a group hangout, I am reminding myself that this is my contribution to community.
