I have a lot of trouble with the word “empath”. I have even more trouble with so many people saying “I am an empath” before sharing a very basic human thing that they have done. Now, this word has only started coming up in everyday conversations recently. (I blame Tiktok). The word “empath” grinds my gears almost the same way I am agitated by how casually we throw around words like “toxic” and “narcissist”. Lani liyasithanda isikhiwa!
Basically, an empath is someone who is attuned to the feelings and emotions of others. They take them on as if they were their own. While I have seen a lot of people wear this identifier as a badge of honour, at the back of my mind, there is always a question. “What is the alternative?” The alternative to being an empath would be what exactly? Indifference to other people’s feelings? So now we must reward you because you were not indifferent to someone’s pain? Very often, I hear “Oh I saw X didn’t have Y so I helped. I am an empath”
Sit down Agnes, you’re not an empath, you’re practicing basic human decency!
Of course, the world as we live in it right now doesn’t have a lot of outwardly good people. We are all chasing one thing or another, and we neglect our duty to one another as humans. I like to think that the reason why God (or whoever you believe in) put 8 billion of us on here was so we could look out for each other.
Life gets in the way and we forget that we are of the same earth and therefore owe each other so so much. Honesty. Truth. Confrontation. Kindness. Listening. Empathy. Grace. Accountability. Kunengi guys. But we have fallen so far from this that when we practice one act of decency, which we owe to each other anyway, we want to make a spectacle out of it. I don’t think we should. It’s nothing monumental; you are doing what you are here to do.
During my sister’s wedding, one of the service providers was surprised when she finally learned I wasn’t the bride. She had initially thought I was the one getting married because of the run-around I was giving her. (I am a Type A, INTJ, Enneagram 8; I am a service provider’s worst nightmare by the way). When she finally figured it out, she thought I was a good sister for doing that much running around for my sister’s day. I wasn’t, though! I was literally doing the bare minimum. That’s my sister, guys! If I don’t do all the work to make sure her day is perfect, who will?
I see us do this all the time. We roll out red carpets and shower confetti for the most basic reasons. We praise parents for providing for their children, we commend spouses for their fidelity. We stand in awe when kids display perfect manners. Men are “good” for not being predators…the bar has got to be higher! We have to get into the habit of treating people with the decency that they deserve. Similarly, we have to get accustomed to being treated with decency. I don’t think we are so far gone that basic human decency should be so novel to us.
I also don’t ignore that there is a flip side. Parents that don’t provide. Partners that are unfaithful, children with horrid manners, predatory men…I get that. But the presence of these should not mean that we operate at bare minimum. Being one step ahead of terrible doesn’t automatically make you great; it just makes you modicum. Not being bad doesn’t naturally translate to goodness. There is a very lazy space in between, which is where I believe most of us fall.
We can do better!
I like this,we should stop over-glorifying basic decency and focus less on the title empath .At the end of the day choosing kindness is what really matters.